Wednesday, December 13th, 2006
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1:41 am
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I have this feeling that I'm powerless in my decisions. Whether it be with girls, or school I can't be happy. and what do people do when they aren't happy? they take drugs, do drugs, drink, or go see help. does that not make them weak? lets say i go see a doctor and I tell him everything that is upsetting me right now. how will that motivate me? how will that make me relax how will words solve anything? so lets try medicating. who am i, if I'm on a drug? I'm not the person i know if I'm influenced by some drug. I cant be the person I was intended to be with out some sort of mind altering drug, can I? What does that make me? And how will that fix me? why cant these discomforting fears and visions go away? normal people are afraid of physical things. I cant even put a finger on what I'm afraid of. The only thing that i have 100% confidence in is my job/role in the fraternity. I enjoy the stress and open my arms to the work it entails. Classes depress me, i sit there wondering why i don't have a fucking clue what my teachers are talking about. I feel like an idiot. A friend of mine swears i have dyslexia. I may not have it but I'm sure i have some type of learning disability. but where does that get me. who wants a learning disabled person to run a company or own a bar, or run an organization. I'd rather not know, and just think that it doesn't come as easy for me as it does other people. I'll just enjoy the fact that I'm a better fuck then most.
Cause that gets us all far in life. so i walked in barns and noble today. i listened to two of my brothers talk about philosophy shit and i looked at all the books i would love to learn about... but reading is just too fucking boring and i cant stand it... i wish i had the drive and the attitude to enjoy learning all this shit but i dont and i cant for w.e reason, so i will stay clear of book stores.
the worst part about all of this is everyday, every minute, every thought contradicts the one before it and every memory reminds me that i was happy before and I've been upset like this before and then happy again. When will i learn from these feelings, and remove them. When will i be content and happy with how my life is going. When will I realize that i have more then most and should be grateful for it. i challenge tragedy in my life, maybe then ill learn.
just in case i completely avoided the topic of love... this scares the shit out of me. am i afraid of commitment? cant i find a girl that changes everything for me? one that is perfect in every way physically and emotionally? someone i can fall in love with an want to fight for. because honestly, im getting tired of theses girls that i just couldn't care if they come or go. some times part of me gets pissed off that i see a really cute girl that id love to get to know and it just doesn't work. they couldn't give a shit. its not like im that special anyway. why pick me when theres many other really good looking dudes standing right next to me. your only interested in how u look standing next to him anyway. i want to get motivated in getting back in shape, losing weight and getting muscle back... perform better in sports again would be amazing.
i don't really no why i decided to write this. im not sure who i want to read this if anyone. i want answers but i don't want pitty or any of that bullshit. i want to feel strong and not feel like im a waste. theres a quote that i believe sometimes... "don't tell people your problems, most times there just happy to hear that you have them."
as im writing this, a fucking infomercial comes on for the Midwest Center for stress and anxiety. and some of the shit made sense. im not an idiot tho. i no its similar to the psychic's scam but i decided to try the self assessment on their website. it said:
As a man with anxiety and or depression, you are probably sensitive about what you are experiencing, wanting to keep it to yourself because it is the "manly" thing to do, You probably worry about having a heart attack or dying (which is the only part that i dont agree with), and you're feeling bad about yourself because you can't "fix" it by yourself. These are normal feelings, but they aren't going to help you get better. You can't do it on your own because you don't have the skills. How could you fix an engine, or create a website if you had no skills? The good news is, if you are a man who is challenged with anxiety and/or depression you are smart, creative, analytical and you are a quick study. Once you learn how to help yourself and get your confidence back anything is possible.
wow i really must be fucked up in the head... and now...
ill end this by saying, thank you Firefox for making this "spell checker", without you, i would have spelled about a million words wrong.
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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Monday, November 22nd, 2004
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6:08 pm
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its funny you say hey haven't seen you in a while... i laugh and walk away but wut i really want to say is - you havn't seen me because you havn't been looking... i see you all the time
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(comment on this)
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Sunday, November 14th, 2004
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7:41 pm
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Sunday, November 7th, 2004
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6:52 pm
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ladies and gentleman band is finally fucking over thenk you very much goodbye
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(comment on this)
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Tuesday, October 26th, 2004
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6:48 pm
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Post a Memory of me.
It doesn't matter what it is.
And / Or
Post this in your journal.
See what people remember about you.
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(8 comments | comment on this)
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Sunday, October 24th, 2004
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3:17 pm
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anyone want to go to the green day concert with 7 of us on saturday night (goosey night) 30th... let me no
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(comment on this)
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Thursday, October 14th, 2004
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11:02 pm - any takers? if u dont believe it try me lol ::wink:: ::wink::
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6:54 pm
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im very disappoionted lately... so much shit has turned annoying and bad... to start off in the most random order... thers a few people who i A. dont trust or B. dont like ne more and thats disappointing... mr. ziza isnt teaching his class for awhile... b. college stress is kicking my ass... i used to never do hw cause i had better things to do... now im doing hw cause im bored... i've been on a mission for this week to not do soemthing and so far its about 3 days done and im still on track and its good but everything else is just sad... the new smallville season blows, rescue me ened and the last episode was fucking depressing... and let me say im tired of hopes... im tired of getting my hopes up for soemthing and it not working out... im tired of personalitys and gay bullshit...
i dunno
shitty update im out
current mood:  disappointed
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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Sunday, August 29th, 2004
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11:48 pm - so much anger in me i need to let it out
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theres alot of things running through my head and so much emotion... im scared to be a senior... this past 2 weeks at band camp and rlti has been so fucked up theres no1 to look up to but urself now its all on u... i cant fuck up this year and i need to change a few more things... im sitting here feeling so empty and weak
i need a purpose i need a reason i need an answer
i fear the future and hate the past
y am i happier when i need to do things... i have nothing to do till school starts and im misrable but i was just so happy wasnt i?
rlti was so painful but in the end so amazing i got close to my brothers and made strong bonds with many friends
rlti was also at my old camp of 10 years so it was very intresting being back and seeing things i forgot about... it did however feel like the shell left over from my past so empty with no 1 left... ben and i woke up early 1 morning and sat out side and just watched how empty it was... for him that chapter of his life is over and he had alot of trouble handling that... mines ben closed for a few years but it wasnt such a heppy ending... but i feel like the emptyness represents my emotional situation.... but w/e i out
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(5 comments | comment on this)
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Saturday, August 7th, 2004
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2:20 am
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i cant tell u who i am... because i dont no... it feels right.... but it could be rong... i cant explain it... all i can say is love me for who i was who i am and the great times we had... hope for the future cause baby i just might be there
i love u
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(comment on this)
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Sunday, August 1st, 2004
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11:56 pm - 3...2....1.... dispatch
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k...so they expected 30,000 fans...they got 110,000. security was minimum: largest/thickest cloud of pot ever... dozens crowd surfing, thousands of water bottles being throwin through the air, lots of girls with skirts siting on grass, and plenty of "cold" girls...the most out of control amazing concert ever...
DISPATCH 7-31-04...Boston.... there last
never forget and keep on listening
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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Tuesday, July 27th, 2004
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11:46 pm
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well today was an intresting day... i came across a few veiws and things ... and ive relized... this fucking world and life as we no it reely blows... like honestly... look at the 2 candidates up for president... it doesnt even matter who wins... either way we lose... becasue they are both fucking skulls!!! if u dont no wut i mean then refer to The Da Vinci Code, angels of demands, or behold the pale horse.... or ask me...
but yeah im in a very depressed mood right about now... after hearing how corrupt our government is... i reely dont like it and as sad as it is i can agree with alot that the pussy towl heads r trying to prove / do
fucking secret societys and fucking politics and bullshit... i wish i didnt no
ignorance is bliss
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(comment on this)
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Thursday, July 22nd, 2004
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5:50 pm - well now
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i am here in boca florida... and its glamours lol i looked at florida atlantic university... and its a nice place but its very new and not to highly looked at or wut not.... for example with my score of a 1100 i could get into this college with a 2.0 gpa.... and thats so beneath me... or at least thats wut my mom and fam say... but wut do they no... ne ways i reely miss lauryn and its driving me crazy that she hasnt called yet.... and theres not that much to do around here either.... kinda sad but glad im out of wayne... people there r going nuts i hear with drugs and gay shit... i dunno i,robot was pretty good... i like that shit... makes u think about the future...
yeah i dont remeber wut else i had to say other then im in florida and i miss lauryn ahhhhhh
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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Friday, July 9th, 2004
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11:54 pm
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Saturday, June 26th, 2004
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7:09 pm - i dont do.... i have.... done
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2% of teenagers have not tried pot, if you're one of the 98% that has, put this in your journal
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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Monday, June 14th, 2004
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4:20 pm
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Wednesday, May 19th, 2004
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10:46 pm
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so i thought that theres alot in my head... i decided to post
i got a 1010 on my sats i dont think its good but every1 is congradulating me... i reely want to get into penn st. and get away but not to far away.... lauryn brought me dinner tonight cause i was working late... i love her
im watching kindergarden cop... and its very funny
some weird stuff has been going down that has like put a hole in my thoughts... and part of it is because i hate tension... lets say u talk to some1 alot like everyday and then one day boom its just stops and u dont talk again... thats fucked up right... what the hell should some1 do.... that some1 being me....i felt so good when she talked to me and i helped her through her problems and now what... we dont even talk... who noes if we will ever talk again... all i no is i am not some shmuck that thats going to get pushed around and shit like that... im not waiting any more... ill always be the same person but to them ill be the 1 they dont need ne more.... and i dont even no what happened or if nething happened i dont no... fuck them
bbyo = few friends now
and now that im on this rant... the running total of people that have done this to me and piss me off... all my camp "friends" and now 5 other people
eyyy the crazy amount of homework is sickening... plus band and plus work... and yet i still have time to talk to the friends who truly care... i love u lauryn
and away we go
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(9 comments | comment on this)
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Wednesday, May 5th, 2004
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3:42 pm
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Tuesday, May 4th, 2004
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7:52 pm - amazingly true... except for the diease part lol
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Tuesday, April 13th, 2004
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4:29 pm
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ive decided... society is total bullshit... and college and high school and sats can suck my fucking cock... to think... u could try your hardest and still be a falure... its shouldnt be like this... i mean am i that big of a waste to being so bad in stuff i reely could give a shit about... ahh fuck u
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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nookiewacookie1's journal
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